Dear baby Alex,
This morning I stuck this little picture collage in my journal with a smile on my face, in awe of the precious memory of our first introduction.
As I sit here reminiscing on those days, those days that brought an indescribable feeling of joy…I find myself in a state of gratitude. I thank God for you often, the beautiful gift that you are. This word ‘beautiful’ used habitually by many has a unique meaning in my heart when used to describe you!
While I struggled at first because my aim was to give you the best, and learning the ‘best’ was not always achievable, a valuable lesson learned was knowing that you got exactly what you needed at that moment. So many stages of the first year taught me patience is truly a virtue and on the day you turned one, I was filled with so much emotion of all sorts.
I remember that day in the hospital, feeling anxious and excited to meet you, while also having a cloud of uncertainty hovering over me like a tidal wave dashing upon the sandbank. To be honest baby, I had no idea what I was doing nor did I think I could do it, but like this quote perfectly states it I found my true direction in you!“Sometimes in the waves of change we find our true direction”
When you became a year older, I suddenly missed you sleeping on me and feeling our hearts beating simultaneously after you would nurse for more than an hour. Yet, at the same time, I was relieved..relieved not to feel anxious about every cry or discomfort you felt. If I could bottle up each discomforting phase you felt whether it was those colicky moments or your sensitivity to so many products, I would cork that bottle so quickly after gathering every. single. drop. and toss it far far far away. I guess that was a thought replayed in my head over and over again to just make all your ‘problems’ subside. I would later discover each stage of motherhood in the first year has its varied challenges which I look back at now and think of often, exclaiming in my head… “how did I get through that?!” This stuff is much harder than completing a doctoral degree in clinical psychology or any tough corporate job…ha!
Now that you are one, I find myself reflecting on all of those past-moments and eager to create new ones. So keep doing what you do best; your convulsive chuckles when your mama changes her voice, or when ama (aka grandma) sings her ‘happy-healthy’ song to you, your unending curiosity to learn about everyyything, your playful nature, and your warm ‘huggies’.
As you explore your way to year two, I will be right at your side, holding your hand when in need and much much much more…